5 Gifts Dad DOESN’T Want for Father’s Day

by Michael Sitver · May 28

So you’re looking for a gift for father’s day. You want something cool, that will really wow him. If you value his safety/sanity/keeping him out of jail, don’t buy any of these products for him.

If you do plan on buying your dad something crazy, or if we missed something dad shouldn’t be receiving, tell us about it in the comments.

Uranium Ore. ($40) Some nice, radioactive, and highly volatile uranium makes a perfect gift for dad. Along with potentially making him lose more of his hair, he may also lose a limb (or gain one). Said one reviewer “Now if you plan to take over the world on a budget, that sort of thing can put a stop on your glorious vision. But with this newly designed aluminum can, the uranium practically floats on your front door without putting a big financial dent on your dreams! And this stuff really comes in handy when you’re thinking about making an army of mutant critters. Works great with ants, turtles, moths, cats, roaches, you name it”

Canned Unicorn Meat. ($13) Yum. If your dad loves meat, he still won’t love grilling up this endangered mythical species at the father’s day barbecue. Described as tasting somewhere between pork and chicken, Unicorn meat is mild, gamy, and mythically in taste. A reviewer reminded us “Don’t order this product if you have a conscience. The unicorns in the industrial unicorn farms live in appalling conditions, in many cases worse than those of the pegasus ranches”.
A Million Random Digits: The Sequel ($18). I’m actually considering this for my math-obsessed father. It’s exactly as exciting as it sounds. The initial reviewers weren’t happy with the latest rendition, writing “For anyone who read “A Million Random Digits,” feel free to skip this book. For all of the dressed up characters and new locations, this book is just a retread of the first one. Let’s be honest, 4735942 is just a rehashed version of 64004382, and 32563233 is really nothing more than 97132654 with an accent. I could understand if this was a children’s book, but “A Million Random Digits” is supposed to be something more, something real. Frankly, THE SEQUEL simply fails to deliver”.
Inflatable Toast ($8). I’ll let the product description speak for itself here. “Toast is great, but it’s hard to keep in your pocket. So what do you do when you crave the warm comfort of toast but don’t want to deal with the crumbs? You pull out your Inflatable Toast, blow it up and admire its realistic toasty goodness! Each soft vinyl slice of toast is 6″ (15.2 cm) tall and has a standard inflation valve.”
Wenger Swiss Army Knife Giant ($1392). With 141 functions, this is one huge pocketknife. It’s the same length as a normal swiss army knife, but with many times the width. People love it, saying ” The Wenger 16999 is an excellent device, but it is missing the sonic screwdriver, which causes some issues if you plan to carry it while traveling though time and space”.